An Introductory Guide to Technology
by sQuIsHeDbRoCcOlLi
Summary: Many have tried; many have failed. Here, now, is the complete or maybe not guide to the obsolete technological wonders of Soul Society. It may reveal hints of whose computer you can and can't hack. But then again, maybe not. The company promises nothing


erk. so I spent the last eternity studying for those exams on the false hope that I would pass. now I'm studying for the upcoming year-end finals, which sort of explains why Observations hasn't been going well lately. oops.

this one's kinda partially inspired by the 12th division barracks. but truth be told, I generally get all these weird ideas at the weirdest times, like in bed, or in the shower, or halfway chasing after the (bleep) bus. and so I got this one running down the hill like some Chariots of Fire reshoot chasing after my friend who got lost, kinda afraid that she would get even loster. there you go, a bit of what actually goes on in my insane life beyond the computer. beside that, enjoy!

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**An Introductory Guide to Technology**

**A Very Brief Introduction  
**Technology in Soul Society may be seen as immensely advanced, or so lacking that we can't recognise what they consider technology. So here is a handy little Not-So-Quick Guide to fixing any malfunctioning technology in Soul Society. You have to admit that this is better that reading through the manual that must be at least as thick as the thickest _Harry Potter_ book.

**The Less Brief Introduction to the Types of Technology  
**There are several types of technology that Seireitei has had the creativity to design and put into action. Here is a brief introduction on each of them. However, please note that these brief introductions will not be as brief as the one stated above.

**_The Computer-like Device in the Twelfth Division_  
**This rather large LCD-looking screen is actually the database to all of Kurotsuchi Mayuri's information, experiments, results, detailed mission reports, as well as many other items of the secretive and private type, as requested by the man himself, not to be revealed to the public eye. By estimation, one can only guess that the screen is either an expensive 49" plasma screen purchased from the Transient World, or a cheap remake model of the expensive 49" plasma screens seen in the Transient World. The First Division likes to think of it as the latter, for fear of discovering the undiscovered, hopefully non-existant, receipt(s) of the costs incurred through purchasing such a screen.

This screen comes with a roll-out keyboard that can only be assumed to be more than half the size of the screen itself, many keys with unidentifiable symbols written on them. After many months of investigation and decoding, the Tenth Division suspects that this is a code that only those of the Kurotsuchi family can understand. The Ninth Division also thinks that the size of the keyboard must have been generated in relation to the length of the fingernails of Kurotsuchi Mayuri.

Placed in front of this array of amazing technology that none of our Divisions are able to comprehend, is a simple armchair. However, the Fourth Division recommends that one should not spend so much time in front of an electronic screen at such a close proximity, lest the user is willing to spend the unnecessary money on seeing aids such as spectacles, glasses, contact lenses and monocles. The Sixth Division then warns any user of such seeing aids to never engage in a battle/spar/fight with the Substitute Shinigami Kurosaki Ichigo lest the user is willing to purchase yet another set of seeing aids to replace those more than likely damaged-beyond-repair sets by the above-mentioned Substitute Shinigami.

_**The Communications Screen used during the mission of the Advanced Guard**  
_This Communications Screen is used as a simulation of the technology known as "video-conferencing" in the Transient World. We have first seen this being used during the mission carried out by the team of high-ranking officers to Karakura Town in volumes 22 to 26. Pieced together bit-by-bit, the Communications Screen, unlike its name, is not just a screen. It comes with a wide range of very wide cables that you have to use your intelligence and luck to piece together without getting electrocuted before the sun sets. There is a reason why the Eleventh Division has never had the privilege to use this device ever since they were headed by the infamous Zaraki Kenpachi, of whom many think his name is rather original. Sarcastically, of course, which is why nobody tells him.

Few have managed to successfully establish a connection between Soul Society and the Transient World, and even then video quality is so poor that the user has often gone in search of seeing aids such as the ones mentioned above. Some have suggested that a smaller screen be used to replace the now 100" screen, but we have yet to see any changes. Captain Hitsugaya and Vice-captain Matsumoto have both testified that usage of this strange technology has earned them more than several strange glares from passing mortals, not to mention a few self-acclaimed kind people who gave them directions to the closest asylum. Another active member of society has also threatened to report them for "illegal smuggling of...um...unknown materials". Vice-captain Matsumoto also reports that another mortal tried to buy them some black hair dye, though the First Division fails to see how this is relevant to the current topic.

The true workings behind the Communications Screen are currently a mystery, and will remain as such until Urahara Kisuke has been bribed with enough sweets and life insurance. The Thirteenth Division is currently working on it.

**_Communicator_**  
This device is incredibly aptly named. It communicates. Looking strangely like the Pokémon Annon/Unown/Unknown, it is the mere basis for communication - an in-built earpiece, and an in-built mike. Nothing more. First seen to be used by Vice-Captain Matsumoto during her time in the Advanced Guard, it seems to be of poor quality with much unneeded static. Not much can be said about this obsolete piece of junk that barely qualifies to be called technology. Captain Hitsugaya would like to say that his Vice-captain is also an obsolete piece of junk that barely qualifies to be called a Vice-captain. Captain Ichimaru would rather correct that statement to a pretty childhood friend. Third-seat Madarame suggests that the statement be corrected to a living hell to be shopping with. Captain Kyouraku would like to overwrite that with his opinion that Vice-captain Matsumoto is an excellent drinking buddy who can magically evade the wrath of Captain Hitsugaya. The First Division will not publish the return quip of Captain Hitsugaya to that statement, and neither will they publish any more opinions on Vice-captain Matsumoto.

**_The Denreishinki - also known as the Handphone-cum-Hollow-Detector  
_**This device is first introduced at the beginning of the series, and is first seen with the unseated officer of the Thirteenth Division, Kuchiki Rukia. However, this device is prone to malfunction, though this may just be a side-effect of the malfunctioning gigai that Kuchiki Rukia was blessed enough to receive.

Disguised as the Clamshell design of the Transient World development known as the Handphone or Cell phone, the Denreishinki detects Hollows and other evil beings in need of extermination via violent methods of sword-wielding. Also, as shown in episode 132, the Denreishinki is capable of detecting shinigami in the vicinity, informing the user of whether he/she is geographically the closest to said evil being in need of immediate death.

The Denreishinki is also a means of sending reports to Soul Society, Urahara Kisuke says, using a mortal technique known as "SMSing", though the man himself is doubtful of what "SMS" stands for. However, the design of the Denreishinki has its disadvantages. Both Kuchiki Rukia and Captain Hitsugaya have been caught relaying important reports and messages during lessons, and the entire Advanced Guard has been reported for eating sweets and leaping out of windows on the third floor, also during lesson time. This has resulted in the frequent occurrence of Parent-Teacher Meetings which often concern Delinquents, Drugs, Attitude, Gangsters, Hair Dye, Defiance and Counsellors. The Seventh Division has been saddled with the unfortunate task of producing shinigami to masquerade as parents or fabricating excuses to the school about their absence from the Meeting, or the attitude that their "child" takes towards the important and enriching process known as learning. The Seventh Division requests the be-hatted one to find a solution to this pressing problem as soon as possible.

If such a feat is not possible, the Seventh Division then demands a pay raise. As such, the First Division is also vouching for the quick discovery of the solution to this problem.

**_The Localised Threat-Detector in the Twelfth Division_**  
This is a relatively small department run mainly by Tsubokura Rin, who monitors the existance of threats on a small screen at a desk in the middle of the room. The threats are colour-coded, though not much is known about this department aside from the fact that the code colour of Arrancar is red. Further knowledge of the Localised Threat-Detector is not necessary as Tsubokura Rin is incredibly possessive of his monitor and will never relinquish his job to anyone. Problem solved.

**_The Telephone in the Tenth Division Office  
_**Not much can be said about this strange black device brought back from the Transient World by none but the infamous Vice-captain of the division. She claims that such a technological development will accelerate the development of Soul Society, and has thus brought it back for a trial run. Vice-captain Abarai Renji tells of the gruesome story of the origin of the telephone from the afternoon Vice-captain Matsumoto felt bored and had a credit card. Since then, many have found an irate Captain Hitsugaya with a ringing telephone lying in his office dustbin and hands over his ears.

**Common Problems and How to Solve Them**  
_Help! I tried to hack into Kurotsuchi's database, and now it won't respond! _Congratulations. You have achieved what many have achieved: the computer has hanged. We suggest that you hurriedly press Ctrl-Alt-Del and hope something happens. If not, reach for a random deadly-looking symbol on the keyboard and hit it as hard as you can. Should the database still refuse to respond, hit the power button or trip over a wire to completely unplug the irritating thing from the power source. In any case this still does not work, duck and run and pray that you don't get found out.

_My teacher just confiscated my denreishinki! What do I do now? _Well, currently your best bet would be to let the teacher have it and rent a new one from the convenient and nearby Urahara Shoten. If you _really_ want it back, whip up a quick sob story about how you need your phone on in case of an emergency in your unstable family matters.

_I dropped my denreishinki into the toilet bowl and it won't flush!_ Your problem here, not mine. Consultation with Urahara Kisuke may be required to settle the cost of the untimely destruction of the denreishinki.

_I installed MARIO in my denreishinki, and it got taken away from me while I was playing!_ Getting it back is never such a big problem. Just punch the criminal in the face when he least expects it, normally moments after it was taken from you. Once the stunned and shocked look overcomes the facial features of your target, snatch it back and resume your normal activities.

_HELP! I did what you suggested above, and now my Captain's coming after me for un-artful rearrangement of facial features as well as for breaking his Kenseikan! _Run. Don't ask questions; just run, and perhaps recruit the help of an experienced member of the Fourth Division.

_For some really strange reason, my Communications Screen won't give me a proper video feed! I can hardly tell who I'm talking to! _We're sorry but there's nothing we can do to help you as seeing that this is the average quality of the current Communication Screen. If the video quality is something that you really cannot stand, you may try sending in a request for 3G handphones to the First Division. The Twelfth Division would like to warn that this proposal has been denied for the past 58 attempts.

_The threat-locater is beeping and flashing, and Rin's not here! What now?_ Stop, don't touch, back away slowly and then scream for Tsubokura Rin. Tell him that if he doesn't arrive soon, you're going to push a button. Any button that you fancy.

**Uncommon Problems and How to Solve Them  
**Should you encounter any problem or malfunction not listed in the above very exhaustive list, never hesitate to tackle a Captain to the ground. Once you have done this, the technological malfunction will be the least of your worries.

**The Very Important End Bit**  
The authors and publishers of this guide sincerely hope that you have had a thoroughly enjoyable read of our product, and that you will continue to buy more copies from us should your current one be destroyed in the process of solving a problem. Everyone in the company also suggests that clicking the green button at the bottom of the page is very beneficial and is highly recommended.


End file.
